Pumpkins on Leaves

I'm going to give you some advice today. Free of charge. First, let me say that it has nothing to do with cookies or Halloween or anything at all that you probably care about. And second -- don't be offended. This is for my own good. And it comes with lots of love and candy. (Except not the candy part.)

Okay, so, sometimes a female person gets pregnant and she grows another living person inside her own body. Its not exactly the same thing as going to the spa for 9 months. And, I don't know about anyone else, but as of yet, I have not figured out how to do this without getting...well...much bigger in the midsection. Here comes your advice though... Do NOT say to a pregnant woman ANY of the following things --

"My goodness, that baby must be ready to come out any day now, huh?"  People started saying this to me around 28 weeks. Which, for the record is a solid 3 MONTHS before this baby was due. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. And it should be everyone's goal in life to make me feel good about myself.

"You just keep getting bigger every time I see you." Again, I haven't figured out how to grow a child inside of me without getting bigger. If I could stop getting bigger every time I saw you, I would. Maybe I should just stop seeing you. (But I mean this in the nicest way possible with loving in my heart and everything.)

"WHOA -- You're HUGE!" It may be true, okay, it's definitely true, but I don't want you to tell me that. Especially if I don't know you. And you are like 10 years younger than me. And look fantastic.  And we are at the grocery store and you have nothing but vegetables in your cart.

To be fair though, I mean, I do look like this. (Don't judge my ponytail.) Whoa. That kind of looks like a cookie I made one time. Except that I have a weirdy pony tail. And I don't wear nearly as stylish of clothes. (But someday I might.)

What I want to know is how you tricked me into showing you what I look like pregnant. You're totally taking advantage of the fact that I feel bad because someone called me huge. Great, now I'm going to have to go make some off-centered pumpkins on black leaf cookies to feel better about myself as a person. Oh wait, I already did that. Never mind. I'm good.

PS --  Don't forget to not be offended. 

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