I don't hate technology. I'm just not any good at it. My phone can take pictures and call people. It cannot give me directions to the nearest hotel or sling unhappy canaries into little green things that might also be pigs and do not have any legs. I cannot use it as an alarm clock or a video camera. I just barely figured out how to use the speed dial. Also, it flips open. It's that kind of phone.
And until just a few weeks ago, I had a computer that I had to prop open because the back hinge was falling off. At least five keys were missing. It had exactly one USB port and I couldn't open more than two windows at the same time or it would crash.
And then I got a new super-lightning-fast computer. It's too fast actually, I'm never sure if it's really saving something or just pretending to listen to me. And it's so quiet that it makes me uncomfortable. Shouldn't there be some kind of rattling, wheezing sound coming from the back? Is it even ON? But the very worst part about this new-fangled mess of technology is the fantastic built-in webcam.
I'm terrified of it. What if the webcam has a mind of it's own? Or what if some computery-type spying guy in Sweden uploaded covert surveillance software onto my computer before it was shipped to me? What if he's secretly judging the unfolded laundry behind me as I type this? Do you think he'll say anything about the number of times I've given my children Cheerios instead of lunch? What about last week when I didn't actually put real clothes on them for two days? Did he catch that? Is he cackling to himself while he rubs his hands together in glee just considering all the money he will someday make off me when he chooses to use this footage as blackmail? Because, I'll be honest, that would be worth a good 73 cents to me.
I get all creeped out if I walk into the living room in the morning and see that my laptop is open. How dare he gawk at my Christmas pajamas and my wild hair that somehow manages to stick straight up out of a ponytail! Where was he last night when I stayed up until the wee hours cleaning the house and making healthy lunches for my young child while simultaneously sorting clothing for the orphans? Or yesterday afternoon when I purposefully brought the laptop to the table while I patiently interacted with my children and taught them meaningful life lessons? I'm pretty sure he was there when I checked my bank account online so I tried to scare him away by singing the same seven off-key notes repeatedly while blowing my nose. But since I wasn't sure that worked, I had to type my password with one hand while covering the webcam with the other hand. I'm taking no chances here.
I've started working out in front of my computer. I lift really big weights a few times and do some push ups and stuff. Then I close the computer and still make lifting type sounds while eating popcorn and watching a movie. It's for my own safety, really. I don't want him thinking he can just come buy and steal my cookie cutters without a fight. Some of them are completely irreplaceable. Like this heart cutter. It's not like I can just walk into a store and buy another ... umm... hmm...okay, I guess hypothetically that might be possible. But that's not the point. The whole point here is that if creeper spying guying wants to learn how I make brush embroidery cookies, there is a MUCH easier way. And as an added bonus, it also includes less screaming from a 2 year old.
1. These hearts are a great last minute filler for a Valentine's Day platter. Ice some cookies and let the base layer dry over night. Then grab a square brush (that you only use with food,) some water and a paper towel.
2. Start at the top center and pipe 4 or 5 scallops around the outside edge.
3. Dip your brush in the water, blot it off on the paper towel and draw through the scallops. Push the brush down in the icing about halfway to the outside edge and drag it toward the center. Repeat about a hundred times until you make your way back to the top and then...
4. Just stare in amazement that something so simple can look so cool.
Visit the design section at The Cookie Cutter Company to see how I made the rest of the cookies in this set!
