We need to rethink the holidays in January. We might need a new one. And not one of those holidays where you're supposed to "really look at your life" and then think about all the things you did over the last year that didn't work out so well and then lie to yourself by pretending that you aren't going to be you anymore and you're instantly going to be this other person that looks like you but has an infinitely better credit score and wardrobe. And also that other person has a kitchen that cleans itself... (Because let's be honest, if you are going to dream, you may as well go big.)... only to fall into complete and utter despair 9 days later when you realize, you are still the same person, you are actually going to have to work on those goals, and the sun is never going to stay past 4pm ever again.
January needs a real pick-me-up kind of holiday. You know, something with bright colors and sparkles and cotton candy. There should be block parties and bonfires. We can invite the sun and trick him into staying a couple extra hours. The little girls can run around with baskets of flowers and the boys can stuff their pockets full of those little snap fireworks. We can stay up late racing remote control motorcycles down the middle of the road and ringing church bells and stuff.
And then in the morning, you can laze about the house in your pajamas while eating caramel cinnamon rolls before going to the community festival where everyone tries out all kinds of Pinterest recipes while riding a giant Ferris Wheel. It's, uh, kind of a two day holiday really. I mean, January needs it and all. Let's not be stingy.
Because you know what stingy gets us? Ice and darkness and bitter coldness. And also a mild form of depression. And 5 extra pounds we have to work off before we go to the beach next summer. So, save yourself a gym pass and vote "YES" on the January holiday ballot.
And in completely unrelated news... I built an engine last week. A Mitsubishi 4g63 engine to be exact. It's a real thing. I'm not joking. Apparently, they put these in CARS and then it makes your car capable of flying to the moon or something. You could look it up.
It would look like this if you did. Looked it up, I mean. That's not the engine that I built.
I built this one. Out of sugar and spice and other things that are called flour and eggs and butter. It didn't exactly make my car fly, but I suspect that it has something to do with the molecular structure of the butter...